my cup runneth over

I wish I had a bottle
Right here in my pretty face
To wear the scars
To show from where I came
We don't talk about love
We only wanna get drunk
And we are not allowed to spend
As we are told that this is the end
A design for life
- Manic Street Preachers "A design for life"

Apparently one of the paradoxes in life is that it takes some overwhelming circumstances to shake you out of your apathy and put some sense of perspective. Maybe thats why im posting this after a 10 month(ish) hiatus. So goodbye facebook and hello again blogdom (for now). May we ever have a dysfunctional relationship till I'm terminally unable to stare at a computer screen.

Its kind of sad that things have not been as eventful as i would have hoped this past year. Which makes it more strange the fact that I had an emotional breakdown last night (things like that do not happen to me anymore i thought) for no particular reason, and the precipitating cause was something not entirely minor but about which I would never lose sleep about earlier. I wont get into any details but i guess it was a culmination of many repressed feelings that exploded which I could not control anymore. And what better way than to let your blog bear witness to your ventings? Aaah the bliss of narcissism!

Anyone who thinks that i was born with a silver spoon in my mouth should really think again. My brother coined the term "alanism" some years back and with good reason - im jinxed. No its not some delusional paranoia stemming out of a neurotic but i cannot comprehend any logical answer to this as far as my rational capabilities are concerned. The worst part is that when you believe that bad things always happen to you they do. Reality is often what you make of your consciousness. I have been unfortunate enough to let many undesirable things happening to me these last months but i have always shrugged them aside and try to let nature take its course but somehow i always find myself in the deep end of any situation. Even if i do everything right (by the book, as they say) theres a greater chance that something gets screwed up anyway.

So a quick fact-check is in order, starting with the essentials. I could begin with matters of the heart but nah! Too depressing, plus im not candid enough. Next please! Ok. Finance. Ive been waiting for 16 months to get paid. Wont be surprised if it takes 24 months, or maybe 36. Work? Stuck with little progress. Job? None available. Family? Right now they are pretty pissed with me. Friends? Thats where Im lucky. I guess things could be worse, so i should not complain but heck its my blog.I could get on by without giving much thought to these but its the more trivial things that make it really irritating sometimes. I could go on and on starting from my internet order to my registration to my passport fiasco to my accident last night but I would look more a crybaby than i already am. so i dare not embarrass myself further. Silver linings are harder to see when the mind is already clouded. so please no patronizing. i need a clearer head and more spiritual strength. funny... this design for life.


hoping for brighter days, yet.